I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
