Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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