My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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