Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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