Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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