Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
