i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
