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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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