i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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