Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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