Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
