If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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