How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
