I've blown a few things in my day
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
