Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
