You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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