I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
