i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
