Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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