after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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