I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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