His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
