I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
