Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
