when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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