my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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