Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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