oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
