i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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