hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
