ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
