Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize