Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize