no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
