Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
