worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Farmville is her only friend.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
