wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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