Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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