Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
