By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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