I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
