if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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