you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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