remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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