You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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