just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
