What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
