to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
