I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
