Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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