I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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