it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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