Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
