im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
