I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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