wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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