You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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