Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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