I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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