Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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