I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
