Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
