he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
