why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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