Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i think im in europe. pls send help
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
