now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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